I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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