Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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