we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
