I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
