words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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