Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
