Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
