Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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