she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
