Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
