If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
