If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
