how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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