I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
