She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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