Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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