These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
