I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
