I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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