i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
