Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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