you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
