u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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