apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
