Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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