i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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