he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
