I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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