I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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