I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wish there were birth control emojis
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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