I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
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