I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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