And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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