i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
