And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
