i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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