The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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