Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
