dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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