kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
