Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
