Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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