Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
