He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
