I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I pour the whiskey from now on
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
