So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
