our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
