did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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