R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
