I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
