I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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