alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I deserve this hangover.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
