Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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