They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
