rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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