You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Houston, we have a squirter
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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