she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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