Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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