Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Bring me that man meat
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
