i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
