is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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