every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
