She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
