It's Friday. Sex?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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